We are all in the gutter...

Characters: Harry, Hermione, Ginny

Summary: What happens when the internet comes to Hogwarts?

Authors Notes: Crack fic to the extreme.  Time period is irrelevant.  And it’s so terribly post-post-post modern ;)  Written between the hours of 2.10am and 4.30am.  That should be warning enough for the “humour” contained within.

My Top 5 (tagged by zee014 - Who else would give me such a task?)

1) List 5 celebrities you would consider having sex with without even asking questions (provided they smelled good).
2) Put all of them IN ORDER of your lust for them [5 - 1, 1 is the hottest].
3) Say which movie/show/thing it was that hooked you.
4) Supply photos for said people.
5) Tag five people

5 – Elizabeth Perkins

Lovely.  Just lovely.  Her hair's quite strawberry blonde here, but often quite red.  As Celia Hodes, she is one of the hottest women ever to say 'fuck'.  Weeds would be the thing that turned me onto her.  But I do remember thinking she was very beautiful as a child watching Miracle on 34th Street.

4 – Jennifer Garner

Though this is an undeniably racy picture, the reason I like Garner is that she’s so naturally beautiful and wholesome, especially when smiling.  She’s got that strong jaw, sun kissed skin thing that I like.  Many people may not think that a ‘thing’ but it is to me.  Alias would be the show that introduced me to JG.

3 – Kristen Bell

My obsession with KB has been well-documented in this journal.  She’s just so classy, beautiful and smart.  I first saw her in Veronica Mars, squealed like a little bitch when she turned up in Heroes as I hadn’t read any spoilers for her casting but it was my dream that spurred on the love.

2 – Kate Winslet

First adored in Titanic, then in Jude and Heavenly Creatures.  My love grew as she acted her socks off in the terrific Quills and was cemented truly in Eternal Sunshine’s crotch showing scene in the 70’s dress with red hair.  Myself and another pervy little friend clutched each other and squealed in the cinema as this moment.  Were we embarrassed?  No, not a bit!

1 – Angelina Jolie

First, last and probably always.  I think Jolie splits opinions but she is undeniably beautiful, even if she isn’t your cup of tea.  Loved her in Tomb Raider – a friend of mine buying her and me matching Lara Croft posters from the local video shop – and tracked her back catalogue to Gia and this is where the love bloomed.  I’ve seen most of what she’s done – both good and bad – but she remains immensely talented.  She’s talented and fierce yet sometimes appearing vulnerable and gentle.  Plus, the lips aren’t exactly a turn off either.

Honourable Mentions to: Catherine Zeta Jones (Huge Chicago era crush), Sandra Bullock (because I rewatched Speed the other day), Winona Ryder (Because I like the way she talks. And steals) Christina Ricci (I even fancied her in Casper – but it’s not wrong as I’m younger), Kate Walsh (who would be in the top 5, were it not for the true guffity of Private Practice), Natalie Portman (whose clear talent makes me hot and bothered), Claire Danes (Sooo pretty), Eliza Dushku (I’m sure I would struggle to walk afterwards), Jennifer Beals (Just because), Leighton Meester (Also, just because), Megan Mullally, Cate Blanchett, Emily Blunt and many, many more.

Really.  It would’ve been easier to make a top 100.

And now other stuff.  Well I’ve been watching a couple of movies lately.  I do go through phases where I’ll have the patience and/or time to sit down and enjoy a film and then I’ll watch loads.  Then I’ll watch nothing for months.  It cycles.

Seen Dark Knight.  As many, many others have.  Very enjoyable, well written, well acted and I’d say that I liked it better than Batman Begins.  However, this craziness over at IMDB which ranks it number one of all time - above Shawshank Redemption and Gia - is just nonsense.   I have full faith that the balance to the universe will be restored in a few months once everyone’s shit has calmed down.

Rewatchings of Casino and Speed followed, both being enjoyed thoroughly.  Casino remains my favourite Scorcese movie – an opinion which is often scoffed at.  I care not.

Then watched Poseidon tonight (I was in the mood for sinking ship stuff after the Doctor Who similar type Xmas special.)  I’m a fan of disaster films – good trash to get swept up in, I say.  I’m also funnily enough, a fan of Kurt Russell (Maybe because I fancy both his partner and daughter).  I’ve grown accustomed to his face.  Poseidon got me thinking about what I would do in such a situation (as most disaster films do).  I was getting immensely pissed off at Mia Maestro’s whiny character - so much so that I had to express my opinion to the screen with a series of grunts and then later shrieking ‘OH MY GOD YOU GIT, JUST GET ON WITH IT! IT’S NOT THAT DIFFICULT IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!  YOUR IDIOCY IS GOING TO GET EVERYONE KILLED!’

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that if I was ever in a disaster situation, I would vet my crew or accompanying party while I make a break for safety.

Claustrophobic?  Panic attacks?  Then no, sorry, stay here and die with the others. I can’t have you spazzing out at possibly the worst moment

Drunk?  No, no.  It’s best you stay here and enjoy your last moments as you will surely make some hideous inebriated mistake and die horribly.  But not before acting like a jackass and causing discord in the group.

Weak/injured but too noble for own good?  Sorry.  I’ll just get attached to you and then you’ll die to either save the rest of us or because you were too slow or pathetic.

Child?  No.  Just NO.  I realise that in Poisedon they needed they little moron to get past one challenge, but really, who the hell wanders off while on a sinking ship?  You get bored with all the imminent danger and death? Idiot.

Kurt Russell?  Yeah.  OK.  You’ve got me there.  I do want you on my team.  While others would pick Willis, Stallone or even Van Damme: I’m sticking with Russell.

I imagine there are probably more criteria.

And a final word on the new Half Blood Prince trailer - Voldemort Begins, or what?  Barely saw any Hermione.  Humph.  But the mini-Voldemort kid looks ace.  The pensieve vials look... highly suggestive.  It's estimated that slash writers have produced 176% more fanfic since the release of this trailer.

Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches

Author: lynsangelic1

Pairing: Hr/G, Hr/R

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Remember that book from Deathly Hallows?  The book that helped Ron Weasley improve his skills with the ladies?  Yeah.  That book.

Disclaimer: Blah.

Authors Notes: This didn’t really start as a fic.  It was an anti-Hr/R ship manifesto disguised as a fic but adding Hr/G usually spurs me to write more than necessary so it grew a little beyond the original intention.  Kinda silly turned to kinda fluffy.  It has no place in actual canon. 

I decided to write this after lash_larue threatened to write Hr/R smuttiness in retaliation to my usual angst.  I’m quickly learning that Lash does not threaten – she executes.  So this is for you, Lash.